i'm standing on the edge of a cliff. i have two choices, either jump or stay where i am. the "rational" move would be to not jump off the cliff. to stay where i have benefits and plenty of money. sure, living on a cliff can be exciting but every day you wake up look out your window and wonder what lies in the beyond. if i jump, i'll never quite have security. insurance of payment, benefits, and the approval of others. i'll be the girl who at the ripe age of 24 acquired then promptly quit the "dream" job. i can picture myself now, standing at my high school reunion trying to explain what i do with my life. the unconventional choices i have made. the odd jobs i do. the passion i have for my friends and community. how my life is too valuable to be wasting as a cog of the corporate world. it astounds me others do not think like this. or maybe they do, and its just easier to fall subject to the machine. my heart is too big and too strong to succumb and waste away. i never want to miss another important moment in my life because of my job. i never want to work while sick to my bones or while the ones i love are bed ridden. i want to experience life to the fullest and as dumb as it fucking sounds i want to live freely.

i guess i'm not really sure how i feel about how i'm feeling anymore. and as little sense as that makes, i don't think i really care about it either. its seems so blasé to blame my mood on the weather, but i swear i can almost feel the lack of vitamin d in my system. i swear the cats are sleeping more and the world outside seems to turn off when the sun goes down, like everyone knows its time to hibernate and wait for clearer skies and the warm breeze of spring. i hate feeling stagnate and doing nothing. i love plans and excitement but i get so cold so easily. i'm trying to push myself to do things even when my foul mood suggests i just stay and bed and watch stupid shows on my iPad. i think its harder when I'm not really sure what i should do with my time. my job now allows for time off, fully away from the cares and worries of the high end restaurant world and I'm not used to it. its something i left pizza brain for and am now realizing without the fun adventures of warm weather what should i do with my free time? trying to motivate myself to delve into more committed endeavors or gear up for those to come in the warmer months of spring. trying to focus on my friendships and cleaning and the personal up keep of being an adult. its all very just okay and I'm not sure what the missing piece is but i doubt i will find it during this chill.

i don't have enough time

also both of you are the wrong choice but i'm too afraid to be alone

Maybe tasting myself on your lips just isn't good enough for me anymore. This is so hard to understand. I hang out with guys, you hang out with girls. But at the end of the night we are always in bed together. Winter is coming so I'd rather figure it out sooner than later. Having someone to keeping me warm in this cold is necessary however I know you're not the right person for me. Maybe I should give someone else a shot.

i'm done with you. you're not worth the trouble and i'm wasting my time chasing someone who always wants to step back. step back, then do exactly what you've been doing. its ridiculous, you say one thing then act another way. you have yet to give me any clue into what is going on on your end and you make me feel small when i want to talk about things.

i don't get it but i'd rather be alone and focus 100% on me then wonder what the fuck is up with us.

this halloween i'm taking anything i can get but you.

slaying the new job. i just hope i can get used to being so serious/professional all the time. i must not lose myself in the corporate nature of starr.

you make me melt. the only boy whose kisses make me forget everything around me. you text me and tell me to have a good day or that you want to kiss my face. i can't handle anymore than this as i am focusing on my career and well, thats perfect. you're pretty perfect for me right now.

two and a half years ago i tweeted at pizza brain telling them to hire me. the next day brain dwyer called me and left a message asking me to come in. i instantly knew it was meant to be when he recognized my george costanza voicemail parody. i biked over to the future site of pizza brain and little baby's, then just a literal hole in the ground. we walked over to soup kitchen where i sipped my first ever cucumber lemonade and handed the the partners my graphic design arrogant resume and customized cover letter. there looks of awe solidified my confidence, brian's messaging me on twitter told me i had the job. from there every thing was a whirlwind of getting the shop ready and planning the grand opening. i spent months contacting friends, performers, talent organizing my first endvour of a business opening, the grand opening of pizza brain. the event was

"congratulations, you've called pizza brain"
i moved to fishtown as the neighborhood was becoming my community, my home. it is with great sorrow internet that i must inform you that i am moving on from pizza brain. what was once a hole in the ground is now a well oiled machine and i feel proud to be apart of it for such a long time. OGPBFAM @austonadams @danielpilger @mariana @faith @buddyszez @tonymont

put in my resignation at pizza brain. not sure if i have a job lined up for september first. not sure what i'm going to do with my life.

going to tell the guy that i obviously have no future with that i don't want to hook up with him anymore. for the first time in a long time i'll literally be talking to no dudes with romantic interest.

and i'm not the least bit scared about any of it.

work: my contract is up and the partners are hardly working on trying to keep me. i am asking for the bare minimum and although they know they'd be lost without me they can't motivate themselves past all their new life endeavors to meet me halfway. i know longer work foh, just managing/community relations/events/catering. I miss interacting with people all day instead of my computer. I am currently interviewing with Stephen Starr, which would mean more hours and less self management but more money. i'm up for the challenge and i hope something can go through before my august 31st work deadline.

love: my exboyfriend is psycho and will not leave me alone no matter what i do. i hope he finds a new gf soon so he can stop scaring me. it doesn't help that i'm hooking up with his best friend and if he finds out he will go even more insane on us. it just kind of happened on accident. i feel like we have to keep it a secret and it doesn't make me feel good about myself. i like to go out on dates and let everyone know who i am seeing, not just stay in bed and smoke weed and watch anime...though i really like to do that too. all the other guys that are after me are losers who i am not interested in. basically i can either be truly alone or keep falling for a guy i can never be with.

body: i've been working out and eating whatever i want. i've cut back on drinking a bit and the results are awesome. i feel so confident in my body, more than i ever have. its amazing what working out can do for you energy and self esteem. i hope i never forget this life lesson.

house: i have the opportunity to move out into a house with jesse and buddy. something more affordable but with less privacy and a sure down grade. i finally feel like although tasha is always with her boyfriend, that we are in a good spot in our relationship. the house is amazing and i am in love with bonus. there is also the whole, "should i buy a house" thing. if i do end up taking a new job and staying in philadelphia then thats really the next step. dinner with jeff carpinetta tomorrow will hopefully aid that thought.

i know my worth. but i'm also desperate for love and attention. i don't think i will ever know how to be alone.