i'm just a big bubble of "i don't know". work, housing, this city, relationships.

the only way to find out what i want is to try new things or just make a decision and follow through.

i don't really have any friends anymore but i guess thats okay because i also dont have you. no more drama. no more bullshit. i can finally be at peace even if i have a harder time sleeping.

i guess all i really need now is to pick myself off my ass and apply to jobs.

well i'm back. had to pay xanga close to 50 bucks just to be able to blog again, but the money is well worth my sanity. this is my personal diary, i've been writing in it for over 10 years.

i need a trip.

i need a reason to get better at racing my bike. 

i need a new place to live.

i need to stop detaching when i get overwhelmed.

with more responsibility comes more grief.

i'm tired and overworked but i still feel fortunate for my job.

its exactly what i want to be doing and if i can continue to make a living wage i'll be happy

i just need to make sure i dont put everyone else's happiness before my own

otherwise i may lose my mind.

i miss having friends and i feel like i am no longer the reliable person i built my reputation up to be

but for the most part, i am okay with that.

i cant bite off more than i can chew and thats fine for now.

and having you in my life is the most important thing besides work right now

i just hope i dont get overwhelmed with seeing you all the time.

i love you, but i have grown quite accustomed to my alone time. my friend time. being independent.

i dont want to let you become a staple in my life that gets removed

but its hard when you really are the best.

i dont really know.

i always feel like its a compliment when the weather reflects your mood,

like some high force understands.

right now i am far from understanding.

i may need a fresh start

currently in florida and doing just fine.

time away from philly is kind of exactly what the doctor order right now.

its not only helping me get over friendships and friends who are over me

but aiding me in the discovery of who my 'real' friends are. forever, never having real friends.

plus, i get to spend time with my siblings who i miss so dearly. i certainly have separated myself

from my family over the past two years though only for my own well-being.

i have never lost touch nor love for my brothers and sister.

in terms of spending time with my father, talking with him, living with him

its going a lot better than i predicted, though i really didn't know what to think coming down here.

i was scared, yes, but i kind of just dove in head first.

i've come to realize he is no longer the scary, mean man from my childhood.

actually, i sort of feel sorry for him. he is old now, alone with no one to love him,

just his money to keep him company. his drug and alcohol addictions seem to be neutralized

and he has gone back to smoking. his anger issues have either been solved by an extreme amount of drugs

or the lack of recreational ones. i'm really not sure which but its refreshing to be with him in public and not completely embarrassed.

its hard to say i love my father as he has never been there for me and his presence in my life has only caused me anxiety and drama

but i really hope to live my life with no regrets. i only get one father. and if i go about the rest of my life with a grudge about his shitty role as a parent,

well...how different am i then the man i used to hate? the unforgiving one that made grudges left and right.

if that man can change his ways i think i can certainly change my feelings. or at least work towards a better relationship with him.

because as cool as it is to hate your father and as much as i love my mother endlessly for stepping up and showing double the support growing up

everyone deserves a third chance

lose all my friendships. sleep with the wrong people. make it through finals. graduate.

hide in florida for a week. thats the game plan.

i ordered those poetry books for myself and ryan, but honestly...i'd rather you have them. i hope they change even an ounce of your being the way they did mine.

things are good. actually, things are great but i'm feeling rather superstitious to announce it. 

i'm facing my demons and realizing that in life, you are the only one who can make the right choice for yourself. no one is going to choose for you.

work, my new home, my family, job, work, school, filming, friends just continues to improve.

this is happiness.

may 16th and ill be done forever. forever being up in the air considering that i am thinking about grad school.

summer is so close. having free time. is so close, i can almost taste it.

but before i get to enjoy the summer breeze and endless nights, travels and beach days, i must make it through the sleepless hell of finals.

cheers to no sleep and a piece of paper to celebrate these past 4 years.