we went on our first day trip alone together.

i had fun and we were both uber prepared. i'm kinda glad we just took the leap and finally went to the beach since when we plan ahead, it always falls through.

now i have a weekish where i need a place to stay and of course you keep saying i am always welcome at your place

but i am still hesitant.

this morning when i was getting ready to leave i still made sure to put everything back into my suitcase as to not settle in.

i don't think its as simple as i dont want to be there but more that i don't want to rush things.

i like you and (and your AC) but i want to take things slow.

i have nothing but time so i'll try and step lightly as i stay at your place

and not pull a george costanza.

things are looking up up up.

12th & pine here i come!

i think i like you, so what am i so afraid of

i am totally stressed out. with finals NEXT WEEKISH i feel like my brain is going to explode. or implode. either sufficiently articulates the stress induced bubble i live in.

but hanging out with you has been so much fun. we are so much alike and you get me. i'm not nervous around you, even when you tell me sweet things.

i am comfortable with you...which is odd because usually i am on my toes wondering what will go wrong.

this might work and THAT is exciting enough to pop my bubble and make time in my busy schedule to spend with you.

i can do this.

i feel oddly calm desipite the overwhelming amount of shit i have to do

cant wait to adventure out west. LA here I come...

the smell of spring rubs me the wrong way...

a feeling of terror runs through my veins when a warm breeze rushes past me.

i wonder when i can appreciate its beauty again.

ive bitten off more than i can chew. 

i just want to hold someones hand through all of this stress. independence can be gratifying yet hollow.

my feelings contradict my actions contradict my words contradict my life

what the fuck ever, ill never be the same and i just need to continually realize the good in that statement

and maybe in find my "sweet spot"...

i have so many amazing people in my life.

i am going to miss the shit out of adam next year. 

when he told me i am basically the reason why he comes to work, i knew exactly what he meant.

even the days he isnt working he will come by and hang out with me. its the highlight of my day...

i wish i could open up and talk to him, maybe even accept one of his invites to fires at dan's place;

i honestly dont know whats holding me back.

but i have a guess:

i think i dont want to embed someone deeply into my life again just to have them yanked out.

speaking of which, i am gonna go shower so i can facetime sean and see his place in LA without looking like a hungerover mess.

2011 taught me one thing. as the famous Sean Martelli would put it, "things change".

i am changing, growing, and finding out who i am

who i want to be in this immense world, one step at a time

fuck steps. this year i start to take leaps.